🕊️ @bethanykline
Bethany Kline
“Reviewing the last hospitality experience you'll ever have.”
Funeral home reviews · lobby warmth · floral programme 17 services planned (all mine) By appointment only
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Series
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Cast
Who they are
Bethany Kline, 34, is relentlessly, genuinely cheerful, and has become completely absorbed by funeral homes. Not by death — she has almost nothing to say about death — but by the hospitality. The carpet. The lobby. The coffee. The chairs. The floral programme. The lighting in the casket showroom, which she considers the single most under-discussed area of American interior design.
She visits by appointment, in the middle of the day, when the building is empty. Directors are, in her experience, delighted to show someone round; almost nobody has ever been enthusiastic about their work before.
The reviews use fixed categories: lobby warmth, carpet, coffee strength, chapel acoustics, floral programme, showroom merchandising, and destination-wedding energy, which is her highest compliment and is awarded rarely.
The work
The company
Marcus
The director who walked her round
A composite funeral director, referenced by first name in many posts, thanked warmly, never photographed. Patient, professional, quietly pleased that somebody is interested in the sconces.
The binder
The seventeen plans
A leather-bound binder, tabbed and colour-coded, holding seventeen fully worked hypothetical funerals for herself, each with a theme, a venue and a floral scheme. Shown constantly, never legible.
The eleventh
The favourite plan
White and green, and she has been firm about that. Referenced more than any other and never fully described in one post.
Dana
The florist
Runs the cold room, supplies the trade catalogue, treats Bethany's enthusiasm as entirely normal. Never photographed.
Bethany Kline is not a real person.
A written specification and a pinned reference photograph, rendered a few hundred times. Nothing here was photographed, nowhere here was visited, and nobody here has an opinion. Every line is a joke that someone wrote.